bad morning... bad mama

So today was the day... it happened... my biggest fear as a mother came true. All new mothers and old mothers too I think have fears of bad things happening to their children. I have two, the scariest is that after shopping or work or something I will come back to the car and find my baby still inside, dead because I forgot to drop him off at Grammy's or forgot that he was in the car with me. This fear I know comes from an episode of Oprah maybe a year ago about a school principal in the midwest, I think, leaving her daughter in the car on the first day back to work after summer break then finding her in the afternoon dead. The other fear is that I will drop my baby and he will be hurt. Well today I dropped my baby but luckily he was not hurt. For about 3 weeks my left wrist/thumb joint has been popping. Two weeks ago it started hurting and a week ago, I couldn't handle it anymore. I went to the doctor and discovered as I already knew that I have de Quervain's tendinitis. I had the same thing 5 years ago so I knew if I didn't do anything it would only get worse and the only thing I can do is rest it. It's very difficult to not use your left hand when you're caring for a 16 pound infant. So the doctor prescribed a brace which it took the insurance a week to approve and get. So here I am with a brace. Without the brace, using my wrist hurts so bad I'm afraid I'm going to drop him. With the brace I can't use my hand and grip as well.

And as I was putting Tre down in his play gym this morning, I was already on my knees, he rolled out of my arms and onto the floor about 3 inches below. Yes he cried but no he did not wail. He was not hurt just a little surprised or scared so I picked him up and held him; he was calm and happy again in about 20 seconds. So I need to be more careful.

And another reason I'm a bad mama is, I don't change Tre's diapers when I should. I don't keep track of when I change his diaper and usually don't notice to until his clothes are wet which happens all of the time because I use cloth diapers which don't absorb as much as those chemical laden ones. I think I do it so that I can change his clothes since they're so cute I want to see all of his outfits on him. Over the past weeks I have gotten better but of course this morning he leaked. Each time I've gotten him dressed this week I've paid careful attention to his outfit as usual but this time when I look at him I know he's never going to wear those outfits again. It's very sad seeing him wear these clothes for the last time and making me want another boy just so he could wear them. Even though I am only having one more baby and hoping it's a girl.

Since I'm going back to work in just a couple days, I'm trying to make the most of my time off. I know I should be in the books preparing lessons but instead I'm shopping. I won't be able to shop easily until summer break which is in about 20 weeks. Those of you that know me know that I'm the worst home decorator in the world, even though I spend hours and hours of my life watching HGTV. But I'm really working on it. Trying to get my walls decorated and here's a start, my new mantle.